Anxiety and the Trial

I just finished a week of intense appointments, spending four full days in Boston.  These appointments were to prep for the Bone Marrow Transplant (BMT) and included multiple CT scans, bone scans, blood work, Echo-cardiogram, EKGs  and pulmonary tests.   Basically, the doctors need to ensure that my body will be able to handle the intense chemotherapy and BMT to come and prepare for any issues that may arise.

I spent the week with intense anxiety, afraid that one of the tests would show that my breast cancer was back or my body had failed me yet again.  With each test my fears and anxiety rose.  I spent much of the week crying, unable to get myself out of this “funk” though with no understanding of why.  I tried the best I could to keep my mind busy, but found myself falling further away from my normal self.  I needed to ask for help.

Anxiety is a normal and often healthy emotion. However, when a person regularly feels disproportionate levels of anxiety, it might become a real problem.  One shouldn’t feel shame if you need to ask for help.  I needed help keeping my anxiety under control.

While I feel that someone shouldn’t feel shame when asking for help, I can also see how someone might feel anxiety with even asking for help.  There is such a stigma when dealing with any mental condition.  It’s hard to share your emotions (or what you might see as a fault) with a provider and ask for help.  I can see how someone might feel “judged” or “a failure” if they can’t keep their emotions in control.  Thankfully I have family and friends who have helped me through the last week and encouraged me to speak with my provider.  Because of this, I was able to receive another medication which has made a world of difference!  I feel so much better!  So if you feel that you need help, ASK FOR IT!  Don’t wait, Don’t struggle alone.  Just ask for help!

One of the items causing my anxiety was the decision to partake in a clinical trial with Dana Farber to study Graft vs. Host disease in transplant recipients.  As background, 95% of BMTs result in something called Graft vs. Host disease. Graft-versus-host disease (GVHD) is an immune condition that occurs after transplant procedures when immune cells from the donor (known as the graft or graft cells) attack the recipient patient host’s tissues.  GVHD can cause short and long term complications which can be as simple as a rash to severe complications such as lung disease.

This clinical trial will be studying the removal of a subset of white blood cells (called alpha/beta T-cells) from the donor product using a cell separation device before the product is transplanted to me.  The goal of the study is to determine if the removal of these “bad” donor cells prior to the transplant will reduce the risk of GVHD and improve transplant outcomes.  I am one of only 25 people to take part in this study and the doctors seem very positive about the expected outcomes!

So, as we sit today, we are now on the final road to the BMT!  I’ll have one more Bone Marrow Test this week which will complete the plethora of tests needed.  My hospitalization is scheduled for March 1st.  On the 2nd I’ll start the chemotherapy regimen to prepare my body for the transplant and the transplant is scheduled for March 11th.  So stay tuned!